Whole, Roasted Artichoke

What on earth does one do with this mysterious vegetable?

YOU DEVOUR IT LIKE IT IS NEW YORK CITY AND YOU ARE THE HULK AFTER YOUR FILET MINON WAS SERVED MEDIUM WELL INSTEAD OF MEDIUM.

Small backstory. 

I have known I liked artichokes and I've even known how to eat some of them for as long as I can remember. My mom would boil them. Here's the issue with that: you don't really know how long they need to boil for and when was boiling ever preferred to roasting? Never.

Step one, cut off the stem. If you can cut it off so that it makes a flat place for the artichoke to stand on, great.

Now, cut off the top of the leaves. Just estimate. Not more than about the top 1/4, but you can judge. Now move it to a sheet of aluminum foil, enough to wrap it up into a bundle later.

Squeeze lemon onto the center and down into the crevices. Look at that perfect droplet…

Maybe drizzle some Oil of Olive. The extra card holder is best. (Card holder = virgin, for those of you who missed that.)

Salt and pepper.

Butter. 

Now wrap it up in a perfect little artichoke package of deliciousness. Put it in a 350º oven for about an hour.

Take it out, unwrap, and attempt to wait a few, until its handle-able. 

LOOK AT THIS.

I meant to take pictures of the leaves so you can see *how* to eat it, but, I got distracted by eating it. Basically, you just slide the "meat" off the leaves, just on the tips at the bottom. 

When you get to the center, the leaves will become super pale and impossible to eat. Just tear those off. Then you'll see this hair.

It's not really hair.

Dig it out, cast aside.

Once you dig it out, you'll have the center. I eat all of this part. It's the "artichoke heart" you hear so much about, you know, always hooking up with spinach and going for a dip.

I love this. It is super healthy, takes a while to eat, and is just flat delicious. It's a great alternative to the normal vegetables. 

Oh remember when I was talking about boiling it? Yeah. When you do that, you have to dip the bottoms of the leaves in melter butter, and I've even heard of people dipping it in mayonnaise  This method eliminates that step. The leaves are very flavorful. In fact, I'm going to go make one right now. For the third night in a row. 

I feel cleansed from the meatloaf now. 

My Adventures in Meatloaf

Hey guys. Been a long time. Here are some excuses reasons:

1. For a while, I was actually really sucking it up in the kitchen. I got way consumed with other things and just wasn't doing much there in the creative department. I had another  creative outlet. I opened an Etsy shop, called Etched Heart. I design word art, greeting cards, bookmarks, lots of stuff! So my need to be creative in the kitchen was lessened. But now I'm back.

Two weeks ago I spent Sunday afternoon making a gigantic quantity of food. I made brown rice with onions and peppers, quiche, and salads in a jar. I should make a blog post about salads in a jar. Okay fine here's an overview:

This is a bad picture because the jar is frosty, having been in my fridge. This is a concept recipe, as usual.

1. Dressing on bottom.

2. Heaviest toppings next, like meat, broccoli, carrots, peppers, tomatoes. Ones that will still taste good having sat in dressing. Continue with those in layers, then nuts and cheese above them (this is not that important, it's just what I always do).

3. Lettuce on top, far from the dressing. STUFF YOUR JAR FULL OF LETTUCE. The less air, the better. 

Rules of salad jar eating:

1. One does not shake the jar to instantly go from a lovely, layered, pinteresty meal to a perfectly blended salad in a jar. No. You must dump it onto a plate. Here's how mine looked: 

Oh and yes that is the quiche I spoke of earlier, and let me tell you. Normally I could take or leave the crust, but pictured is the roll out pie crust from Trader Joe's and if anyone tries to take it from me, I will leave them with so many evil glares they will be paranoid for the rest of their life. (So, it's good pie crust.) 

So, meatloaf. 

First, some rambling a story. 

I don't like meatloaf. I, as you might recall, have also decided I don't really love processed food but also realize that sometimes we have to be realistic. So, the meal above, you see, was my lunch. I made Husband some homemade pizzas (flatbread, sauce, cheese, pepperoni, oven. Look out!). For dinner that night I had whole wheat flatbread with avocado spread on it and a tomato cut up on top with black pepper, and also an entire roasted artichoke (so amazing, I literally tore it up [and if you've ever eaten artichoke, you know that I used the accurate meaning of the word 'literally']). For him, I took tortellini Alfredo with chardonnay apple chicken sausage and shaved parmesan on top. Yeah. I just decided I can't eat like he does, and he won't eat like I do, so…until we have children, the 2 meal thing is fine. But you see, I aim to please my sweet husband, and though he actually has excellent taste in food, he is also quite capable of enjoying the NASCAR of foods (not that a good box of Velveeta was ever passed on by me, but, you know). So in my endless efforts to be the best wife ever, I decided to tackle one of my most hated entities: meatloaf. But I had 2 goals!!!!!!!!!! 1. That my meatloaf would NOT be dry and 2. That Husband would like it. 

"Why do you hate meatloaf, Cari?"

Here's why. 

1. Why would you ever put the word "loaf" next to the word "meat?" Gross. 

2. I really don't go bananas over ground meat in general, I mean, I love tacos but that's a much smaller quantity, and meatballs can be delicious but somehow balls of meat is less gross that a loaf of meat in my mind. 

3. Gross, I just think it's gross. And listen! Disclaimer. If you have me over and serve me meatloaf, you will not know that I don't like it. I will eat it and say thank you and you don't have to worry about catering to me. 

So whatever, I don't like meatloaf. But when I called Josh and left a message asking for his sauce of choice for meatloaf, he called back and sounded just like the dog on the Beggin' Strips commercias. Bacon???? Meatloaf????? Yes. The same. So though my soul was sad to be making this monstrosity, my heart was happy to please my husband. 

But of course you KNOW I did not slather ketchup on top of some weakly seasoned meat and call it a day, right? 

Of course not. 

Here are my ingredients, minus the onion which I'd already chopped. 

Now listen, meatloaf is really also a concept recipe. Here's the basic steps.

1. Mash up meat, small amount of sauces, eggs, breadcrumbs, and seasonings. 

2. Mash it into a loaf pan.

3. Say 3 Hail Mary's and 5 Our Father's and perhaps you'll be forgiven (I'm not Catholic and I don't think making meatloaf requires forgiveness, just laugh and move on.) 

4. Slather some sauce on top. Ketchup if you must. Something else if you can.

5. Bake it at 350 for 1 hour. 

Want to go Italian? Use italian seasonings, parmesan cheese, maybe stuff it with mozzarella like I did, and top with quality marinara sauce. Maybe add some pepperonis as you are probably serving this to a severe carnivore. 

Southern BBQ? Get your BBQ sauce of choice and season that meat with chili sauce, cayenne, onions, and lots of black pepper. Oh, and bacon. Probably bacon.

Southwestern/Tex Mex? Use jalapeños, cheddar, and green chiles. Slather with taco sauce or enchilada sauce. I'm sure they wouldn't say no to bacon, either. 

But here's what I did.

 I chopped slightly more than 1/2 an onion.

 I melted butter in the pan so I could sauté the onion.

 Oh, I also had my ~2 lbs of meat sitting out so that they wouldn't be so darn cold when I went to mix everything with my hands. I used a combination of "meatloaf" meat (yes this grossed me out), but all that is is a combination of pork, veal, and beef, and added some extra beef to fill it out.

 I put breadcrumbs in the bow, and poured them out, because I forgot to beat the eggs. 

 There, I beat the eggs. I added a splash of milk. 

 I stopped cooking the onions when they looked like this. 

 I added this crap to the meat (except the chili sauce from Trader Joe's that is not crap.)

 Then I added this, because mustard. 

 Then I sprinkled it with parmesan, because Husband.

I also added cracked pepper, sea salt, cayenne, and then the onions.

 Then I greased my loaf pan and highly doubted it would all fit and instantly began planning to make meatballs with the leftover.

 Then I mixed it up and filled half the loaf pan, then I added 2 sticks of mozzarella 

(this is real mozzarella, not string cheese)

 Then, to my great surprise, the rest of it all fit on top.

 Now, slather time, I used Jack Daniels Honey Smokehouse sauce to make Husband happy.

 Then, I put bacon on top. Now I saw pictures of these meatloaves with super crispy awesome bacon on top that they claimed would cook like that if you just put it on top and left it in the oven, uncovered, for an hour. I was doubtful, but didn't care, because why wouldn't he want extra bacon fat anyway?

 But the bacon looked gross so I cracked some pepper on top. Much better.

Then I waited an hour. Oh, and the oven was on 350. So I waited an hour and made mashed potatoes, cleaned the house, mourned my arteries, and finally it was time to take it out.

Remember my 2 goals? 1. NOT DRY 2. Husband likes.

 Goal #1 was successful. It was not dry. 

But as suspected, the bacon on top caused a lot of extra liquid. 

So I poured the fat out and sliced it and it fell apart, but who cares, it wasn't dry. The cheese was good and the bacon was okay but definitely not crispy, but did add a nice flavor.

So these were our complete meals. I ate the meatloaf because I had, after all, spent all that time and used ingredients I could tolerate, and though I would say it was "good meatloaf," I still really did not like it and will not eat any more of it.

As for goal #2? Yes, Husband liked it. He also liked the mashed potatoes but there's nothing special about how I made those (use cream cheese, mash with a masher, not with an electric mixer) so it's not worth a post. Now Husband has leftovers and I can check off "meatloaf" on the list of domestic duties. 

Seriously meatloaf is gross. 

Fabric Softener & Wrinkle Release Spray

FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!! Why? Because from the store it is extremely expensive.  Also I get IMMENSE satisfaction from making fabric softener because you can, from your homemade fabric softener, make HOMEMADE WRINKLE RELEASE SPRAY!!!! and also… HOMEMADE FEBREZE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Admittedly, I haven't made the Febreze yet but I kind of use the wrinkle release as Febreze, but I know there are recipes for homemade Febreze which uses fabric softener.

Okay here's where I got my recipe.

Very simple. Basically 1 part conditioner, 1.5 parts vinegar, and 3 parts hot water. LET ME, HOWEVER, SHOW YOU MY TRICK.

You buy the cheapest  conditioner (and seriously Suave has some great scents but don't do nothin' for my hair -- and if you think I really speak in that manner you have clearly never met me, that is just for effect) in whatever delicious scent you want, and you dump all of it in your largest pot. Then, you fill it up 1.5 times with vinegar, and then you fill it up 3 times with water. RIGHT?!?! Oh man, so great. Here's why this is a good idea:

1. It involves dirtying minimal dishes (i.e. measuring cups which, seriously? You want to squirt conditioner into a measuring cup?)
2. None of the bottles are an even 2 cups, as the website's recipe calls for. It's either a little less or a little more than 4 cups or whatever.
3.  By using the container to measure the vinegar and the water, you will get the most conditioner possible out of the bottle.

So do that.

After you add the REALLY HOT WATER, I recommend using a whisk to mix. Now listen - I'm all about least mess, but a whisk will speed up the process and as long as yours is dishwasher safe, it's not such a pain to wash, really. Mix that junk up in your giant pot and then transfer it to a pitcher. "But Cari," you're thinking, you smart person, "why mix it in the giant pot if you're going to make me pour it into a pitcher?" Well, I'll tell you. Because your pitcher probably has a spout. And that will make it easier to transfer into bottles or mason jars or whatever (I save the coffee creamer bottles that I purchased on rare occasions. Gallons or half gallons work super well, or *gasp* YOUR OLD LAUNDRY BOTTLE OF ANY SORT!). Also, because all of it wont fit into the pitcher, so you'd have a big donkey mess (when you figure that one out, you will laugh) to clean up. Whatever, this is what I do, if you find a better way leave it in the comments. Also, just use the NORMAL AMOUNT for laundry. Like it was legit, from the store, expensive stuff. Okay picture time.

Here's my fabric softener in a pitcher. It's the first batch, lavender. It looks the right consistency, right?? Because it IS!!!

Here it is in my giant pot. See? Bubbly and perfect. Green apple this time. 

Now behold - all three of these are FULL! (Okay the one in the middle isn't *full,* but mostly. I drew the blue line where it filled up to. Here's some math. The Downy bottle contains 34 oz. The bottle on the far left (an old vinegar bottle. I buy a much bigger size now.) holds 32. Plus the one in the middle, that's at least 12 oz. So that would be 78 oz. of fabric softener made from a $1 bottle of conditioner plus 2 cups of vinegar. Um…how many syllables can you stretch "cheap" to be? Because that's how cheap this is. 

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

Wrinkle release spray. 

This crap is awesome.

So you take a teeny blob, like a teaspoon of fabric softener per CUP of water (guesstimate, people), glob it into a spray bottle and add hot water, shake, and spray the wonder all over your stuff. I use this on our bed, as we have a duvet cover which gets very wrinkled. I also freshen our sheets and pillows with it, and you could probably use this exact recipe as Febreze but there's a fuller recipe here which includes baking soda. Clearly that wont hurt anything so, go for it! I probably will be as soon as I finish these blog updates. 

  

I made both of these. I keep the big one in the bedroom and the small one in the laundry room. If you ever do that thing where you don't take your clothes out of the dryer right away, you can spritz this in there before you run the "mercy cycle" as I like to call it and you're good. ALSO -- I stopped using dryer sheets because of this fabric softener. No joke, friends. No. Joke.

Stay tuned for homemade laundry detergent next!!! 

Oh and if you aren't my friend in real life and don't enjoy reading my rambling writing for it's entertainment value deep intellect, here are the abbreviated versions:

Fabric Softener.

2 C. conditioner (any kind, I use Suave)

3 C. vinegar

6 C. SUPER HOT water

Mix (I recommend in a giant pot), pour (I recommend first into a pitcher, then…) into bottles (I recommend old laundry bottles, vinegar bottles, gallon jugs, half gallon jugs, coffee creamer containers, whatever). 

Wrinkle Release Spray

1 t fabric softener

1 C hot water

Add to a spray bottle in whatever appropriate proportions (for a 3 C spray bottle, use approx. 3 t. fabric softener). Shake. Enjoy.